My spouse and I have been together for over a decade and married for four. We have young children. I cherish her a lot, but our marriage is fundamentally lacking in sexual and physical closeness, and she refuses to discuss it beyond acknowledging there’s an issue. I am a woman who appreciates physical closeness and am strongly drawn to her. I desire to feel more wanted and alive. However, physical intimacy is extremely infrequent, consistently initiated by me, and follows the same monotonous routine. She does not prioritize my pleasure. The majority of the time, I face rejection, which leaves me feeling ashamed and unattractive. Even the simplest playful or suggestive messages I send receive no response. So I engage less and less.
Of course, I want to understand what she is experiencing. We are currently attending couples therapy, but this issue hasn’t been successfully addressed. Outside of these sessions, my efforts to discuss it are either sidestepped or met with irritation. Should I just give up after so many years of trying and failing to improve things? I cannot ignore my needs and wants just because they are not reciprocated.
I question why you have not continued to address the issue of sexuality in your couples therapy sessions? Sex frequently reflects your overall relationship and should not be overlooked in therapy. It can be challenging to raise and explore, but it’s clear you have intense feelings regarding the lack of intimacy, and you are evidently unhappy and filled with longing. If you do not allow space for this significant sense of loss and shame, you are resigning yourself to ongoing silent desperation, jeopardizing the future of your marriage. You have a right to be heard.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist based in the US who specializes in sexual disorders.
If you seek advice from Pamela on sexual concerns, please send a brief overview of your issues to [email protected] (please refrain from sending attachments). Each week, Pamela selects one question to address, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are governed by our terms and conditions.
