The prosecution: Haile
I feel like I’m being viewed as a sad case, but I’m actually doing fine on my own. Right now, I’m not looking for a relationship
I’m not against love. I’ve had my share of relationships, but right now, I’m the only single person in my friend group, and I feel like they’re treating me like I’m in a bad situation.
Currently, I’m not interested in dating, particularly after spliting from someone a year back. My best friend, Whitney, constantly encourages me to start dating again. I understand she means well, but often it feels more about her preferences than my actual needs.
Whitney thrives in romantic relationships. I’d describe her as a serial dater. As soon as one relationship ends, another is usually right around the corner. I, however, am quite happy being on my own. I ended things with my ex because we grew apart. He was just my second boyfriend. Initially, it was tough, but eventually I learned to appreciate my own company again. This is the first time in a long while that I’ve felt truly at peace, without having to compromise.
Whitney insists that I should date so that I can be more integrated into her life. She adores organizing couples’ dinner parties. Yet, it’s not just couples who can enjoy dinner parties.
Then there’s the whole topic of children. She often says things like: “Don’t wait too long, Haile.” I believe it’s because I previously mentioned wanting kids with my ex, but who really knows now?
Perhaps it’s because we come from fairly religious East African families. But at 28, I hear enough from my mum about this. I don’t require it from a friend too, even if they’re coming from a good place.
Whitney has attempted to play matchmaker with her boyfriend’s friends, which I find quite awkward. Right now, I feel like I’ve turned off the part of my brain responsible for dating. I’m uncertain when it will turn back on, or if I even want that to happen.
I don’t want to find someone merely for the sake of convenience,
and I don’t need saving. I cherish my friends and family, but if one more person asks, “How’s your love life?” I might lose it. Why are single individuals always expected to justify their lives?
I don’t view being single as being trapped in a waiting room. It’s a choice.
The defence: Whitney
Haile’s happiest when she’s in love. I’m glad she’s found peace, but I worry she’s isolating herself
I’ve known Haile since we were 16, so I’ve witnessed her at her happiest, which is when she’s in love. After her breakup, she went through a challenging time, and now she’s become very independent, which I believe isn’t ideal. She owns her own home and car, and often says: “What do I need a partner for?” But I recall how joyful she was when her ex took care of her. I’m pleased she’s found peace and I admire her self-sufficiency, but sometimes it feels like she’s mistaking comfort for true happiness.
I admit I used to be a serial dater, but now I’m in a fulfilling relationship. I want Haile to experience that too, as it would allow us to socialize more. Her ex was good friends with my current boyfriend, which added to the overall enjoyment. I recently invited Haile to one of my dinner parties, but she declined, claiming she wouldn’t know anyone there.
When I mentioned that Haile would gain social benefits from having a partner, I didn’t mean to imply she’s not complete by herself—I simply miss seeing her out there enjoying life and socializing. I set her up with a few friends of ours thinking she might have fun. I understand now that may have made her feel pressured.
And the comments about children were made out of concern, rather than judgment. I know she envisions having kids someday, as we discussed that in our youth, and she recently brought it up when she was with her ex. Perhaps I push too hard because I recognize her value.
If she’s truly happy on her own, then I must respect that. I genuinely want her to have the best life possible. I understand it can be frustrating for single people to be asked about their love lives, but it’s a common topic for women nearing 30. When I observe Haile retreating from the idea of love entirely, it concerns me that she’s shutting herself off from something wonderful.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Whitney take a step back?
Whitney asserts she wants what’s best for Haile – however, it’s Haile who knows what that actually is. If being single is what she wants, that should be accepted. Whitney, try to create more inclusive gatherings. True friendship doesn’t have to hinge on romantic circumstances.
Jakub, 33
Whitney believes she knows what’s best for Haile, but Haile disagrees, and Whitney needs to honor that. Although Haile may have appeared happy during a relationship, it seems she is genuinely fulfilled in her current situation. Whitney needs to realize that her viewpoint isn’t the only one that matters.
Oscar, 22
Whitney seems to believe she’s coming from a place of care, but Haile has clearly stated she is satisfied with her life, and that should suffice for her friends. Haile still has plenty of time to meet a partner and have children (if that becomes her desire).
Youssra, 28
Haile is transparent about her current decision. Whitney’s suggestions appear to prioritize what looks best for her. She should recognize that there are enough societal pressures on Haile already and support her friend instead.
Julie, 67
I comprehend Haile’s perspective, but I think Whitney has her friend’s best interests at heart. Admittedly, her approach can be a bit awkward at times, but it stems from a place of affection. Our friends should try to arrange matches for us—that’s one of the enjoyable aspects of friendship and life!
Anna, 45
Now you be the judge
In our online survey, share your thoughts: should Whitney cease being a matchmaker?
The poll will end on Wednesday, December 10 at 9am GMT
Results from last week
We inquired whether Hamad should stop compressing the coffee in the moka pot.
85% of you responded yes – Hamad is guilty
15% of you replied no – Hamad is not guilty
