By this point, most prominent fast food chains will have rolled out their holiday offerings. There’s no set guideline for what constitutes “festive,” nor are there credible measures of Christmas-ness. This might be shown through a vibrant green/red hue in an unexpected venue (McDonald’s Grumble Pie, I’m directing my gaze at you); or an existing dish formed into a more holiday-themed shape, or the addition of a classic Christmas ingredient, like a brussels sprout (seriously, food corporations, move on if you believe it’s cinnamon – that’s strictly an autumn spice).
I’m not here to evaluate the fundamentals of fast food (I’m a fan). If you seek someone who will channel the critic from Ratatouille, you’ll need to revisit Ratatouille. I’m simply here to sample six holiday specials and ponder: does this make me feel Christmassy, my friend?
The Chicken Cranberry Katsu, Wagamama, £15.30
We are all familiar with the appearance of a katsu curry, correct? A heap of rice; straightforward, battered fried chicken cut on either side; with a sweet, thick sauce comprised of miso, soy, ginger, honey, and other ingredients drizzled over it all, resulting in a plate that is unapologetically beige and uniform, a challenge to all culinary presentation norms. The sheer boldness of modifying that for Christmas, coupled with the ease of the adjustment – precisely the same curry with cranberries – was noteworthy. My child had a standard katsu as a benchmark since he’s a good lad. He remarked that the special edition was spot on: they aim to share the essence of Christmas, not recreate a holiday feast. The variation was subtle, unless you dislike cranberries, in which case it stands out. I enjoy cranberries. It had just slightly more calories than the usual variant, while technically, to qualify as festive, a dish should be 10 times more energy dense and only 30p pricier. You could deduct some points for that, yet then add them back for adhering to the primary principle of festive variation: “do no harm.”
Festive rating: 4/5
The Festive Bake, Greggs, £2.10
One time my dog stumbled upon an untouched sausage roll on the street, and now every time he spots a Greggs’ bag he becomes incredibly excited, which I used to find amusing, the endless hope he embodies, until I recognized that I share the same enthusiasm, and ever since the steak bake, I can’t observe a lattice pastry without thinking, mmm, I’ll sample that. The festive bake is akin to the chicken bake, and thankfully avoids using turkey, which unlike other meats tends to taste more like itself when produced on a large scale, rendering it oddly unappealing. It includes various ingredients: a sprinkle of herbs on top, sage and onion stuffing, bacon, then additional sage and cranberry in the white sauce, which makes it slightly grey, but I don’t mind that as much as one might assume. In a tight spot, I’d argue bacon screams Christmas only when near sausage, which would also enhance the stuffing’s flavor. Additionally, there’s no denying that the original steak version is richer and more indulgent.
Festive rating: 3/5
Double Big Tasty meal, £9.49, Grumble Pie, £2.39, both McDonald’s
Folks, the Double Big Tasty meal is essentially a Big Mac! Sure, there’s a smoky sauce involved. But it’s fundamentally a Big Mac! The audacity of you, McDonald’s. The Grumble Pie, on the other hand, is so vibrantly green that there will be children presuming it’s made of spinach, best of luck with that. This pie closely resembles the traditional apple pie format, which is surprisingly delightful: somehow the gooey, scalding fruit never seeps into the crispy crust, yielding an incredibly dependable textural pop that pleases every sense except those that are scorched. Now just picture that combined with cranberries and custard. And remember to let it cool a bit, my dear. It fully embraces the season with its cranberries while remaining as delectable as the original apple version. Highly recommended. Would consume again.
Festive rating: The Double Big Tasty is tasty, but 1/5 for Christmas spirit. The Grumble Pie excels, 4/5
Stuffing Tower Burger Meal, KFC, £9.49
Alright, I’m going to be direct: the term “stuffing” on its own isn’t festive, and the flavors of sage and onion don’t automatically evoke Christmas, instead reminding one of school lunch and dreary feminist novels from the 30s set in seaside towns. If you’re seeking to scream Yule, have you thought about using a chestnut? I get that they can be a hassle to shell, but you’re the Colonel, I have faith in you. That said, if you take away the stuffing, you’re left with a classic tower burger upgraded with a cranberry twist, which, echoing the Wagamama katsu, is precisely where one should aim: in the holiday spirit. An admirable burger. They also offer a festive bucket, the primary festive aspect being its size. Full marks.
Festive rating: 3.5/5
The Total Sleigh Burger, Nando’s, £10.95
It’s quite challenging to ascertain what transpired in the development kitchen, unless there were distinct teams, one crafting the burger and the other handling the seasonal wordplay – kudos, you folks, this is amusing to say while thrusting a fist in the air. However, that’s where the Christmas spirit ends. It may be unfair to target Nando’s, as similar could be said for nearly all, but chicken establishments are largely un-festive. In any other non-turkey restaurant, if you said, “Oh, we’re having beef this year,” the response would be, “How intriguing and uncommon,” but saying “We’re going with chicken” implies you forgot until thirty minutes ago that it’s Christmas day. What should be a perfectly good burger with delightfully spicy churrasco mayonnaise is marred by two bubble and squeak croquettes, which overemphasize the sage and provide no clear symbolism. You might argue it leans toward a Boxing Day theme, but let’s be honest, when have you ever linked bubble and squeak to anything but your father’s hangover?
Festive rating: 1/5
Festive Dozen, Krispy Kreme, £21.99
Krispy Kreme treats us with their holiday dedication, as they also debuted Quality Street variations last month, where the caramel swirl was so sugary it actually caused a ringing in your ears (a real phenomenon) and the purple one was surprisingly successful. This festive dozen showcases more generic Christmas symbols: a snowman, a Santa belly, a Christmas tree with a tiny Flake for the trunk, a traditional ring doughnut glazed with chocolate that I suppose represents some ancient wreath. One cannot critique them based on the filling since vague buttercream and cream cheese are evergreen. Ultimately, you must appreciate them as a collective, and indeed, that’s Christmas spirit right there.
Festive rating: 5/5
