I am a recovering alcoholic seeking guidance on how to aid my son, who is 11 years old and autistic. I have been sober for three months thanks to the support of rehab and AA, but my alcohol consumption had increased significantly over the past two years (I maintained sobriety during the first six years of my son’s existence).
In the latter stages, my drinking was constant and my son unfortunately witnessed me in turmoil and profoundly unhappy. He took on a sense of duty, believing he was the sole person who could prevent me from drinking (by physically disposing of bottles), which fills me with intense shame. I have often told him that the only one who can control my drinking is myself.
He stayed with his father for some months (we split five years ago but he remains supportive of my recovery) and returned to live with me when he commenced high school in September. Our trust is gradually being rebuilt as he observes that I am not drinking and am dedicated to self-improvement.
My son continues to be hyper-aware and fearful concerning my safety. This leads him to be excessively controlling of my behavior – partly due to his anxiety surrounding my drinking, but also because he is autistic and unsettled by anything that is unpredictable. I am concentrating on establishing confidence and boundaries; it would be simple to yield to his wants but that doesn’t seem right as a parent. It is a struggle since I also feel immense guilt.
I reached out to Children’s Services for our family while in rehab, and we are waiting on support for my son from our local substance abuse assistance service. In the meantime, I feel lost about how to communicate with him. I want to avoid upsetting him, but I don’t want to disregard the past either. How can we progress?
It’s commendable that you’ve recognized your need for help and are pursuing it. You’ve posed a very specific question: how to converse with your son and assist him.
I consulted systemic psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who manages the addictions sector within a London mental health trust and boasts over two decades of experience in this field. “Children need to feel secure,” she stated. “Your son has endured an unstable period where he couldn’t be certain you would keep him, or yourself, safe. He may feel apprehensive about bringing these topics up with you now. Children often believe these situations are their fault [the other option, attributing it to their parents, poses too great a risk to their survival, thus they internalize the blame]. Autism may amplify this.”
Harris further noted that “it’s quite common for individuals in active addiction to offer apologies and commitments that they may not follow through on. This can create confusion for loved ones regarding what to trust. In addition to boundaries, it’s essential to be consistent and demonstrate to your son that things have improved, rather than merely stating it.”
Focus on him acclimating to school and establishing a solid routine. Then, introduce the notion that no topic is off-limits for conversation (if that holds true). Meal times can serve as a great opportunity to engage, as can activities conducted side-by-side, such as walking or driving, since there’s less direct eye contact, which some may find overwhelming. Perhaps there’s an activity you and your son enjoy doing together? Don’t approach it as “we must have a discussion,” but rather look for chances to chat and see if they arise. Harris also contemplated your son’s preferred means of communication. It might not necessarily involve speaking; it could be through writing, or a combination of both.
Harris and I speculated whether your son’s safe space, aside from his home with you, is with his father? It’s vital for him to recognize that, and for you not to take it personally if he chooses to go there at times. It does not imply that you have failed if he does; this is a journey, and it won’t necessarily be straightforward.
I’m pleased that you have ongoing assistance from addiction services. We were uncertain about whether local substance abuse services would be able to help your son (they typically focus on adults, but there may be someone available to assist him). These organizations might also be useful: Al-Anon Family Groups (Alateen); National Association for Children of Alcoholics (Nacoa); National Autistic Society.
Harris mentioned, “You must distinguish between your needs and your son’s. Ensure that you’re not making him feel better merely to ease your own feelings – to relieve your own guilt – because that cannot be accomplished through your son. You are better equipped to focus on his needs if you have strong support yourself.”
You are making significant progress. Keep it up.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal dilemma submitted by a reader. If you wish to seek advice from Annalisa, please send your query to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
