Lea Veloso, 26, has a continuously expanding ick list.
If he spits on the pavement, can’t prepare meals, lies about his stature, considers himself apolitical, or doesn’t travel sufficiently. If he feels uncomfortable with other men sporting makeup (“like, K-pop stars”), expresses a preference for a “slightly autistic woman”, lacks a skincare regimen, or only enjoys tracks that gained popularity on TikTok. It’s a major ick if he neglects to contact his parents, sniffs every few seconds, struggles as a DJ, or feels awkward about singing karaoke. Recently, she discovered another: if he’s saving himself for marriage. It now sits at the top of her checklist on the Notes app, which she refers to whenever she begins to date someone.
“Three strikes, you’re out,” she commented.
Given her upbringing surrounded by fan fiction and an unending stream of dating material on her social networks, where individuals share just-because flowers they receive and beloved creator couples announce their extensive breakups on YouTube, Veloso finds it increasingly challenging to appreciate the intricacies of a person when dating. The pressure of who she ought to be dating is overwhelming.
“For ages, I’ve been glamorizing this one man who would set everything aside for me, who would know my preferences, and perfectly fit the mold,” she expressed. “I think I’m continually let down by real men.”
Gen Z has often been labeled as failures in the dating scene: young individuals are engaging in less intimate encounters, meeting fewer new individuals, and feeling uncomfortable with even sending roses on Hinge. They are the most rejected generation and the loneliest generation. Most of these patterns signify a significant shift in dating norms: social media has deeply integrated into our romantic experiences, often shaping our personal relationships rather than vice versa. For young women like Veloso who have never experienced dating devoid of the internet’s influence, this leads to the creation of a Dream Man shaped more by viral concepts presented by algorithms, social media networks, and personal anecdotes shared online than by her actual dating encounters.
The terminology is broad and continually changing and for many, it’s employed as a prescriptive guide to navigating the chaos of heterosexual dating content. There’s an abundance of ways to characterise the ideal man who is deemed romantically superior: a loser provider man with golden retriever energy who adores you because if he truly desired to, he would. The feasibility of a potential match can be assessed on a red-to-green flag continuum, from minimal effort and weaponized incompetence to receiving the princess treatment from a true yearner, described by a woman. Your fairy tale ending can be ensnared with the red nail theory or the orange peel theory. The purest love, the ultimate pairing, the OTP (one true pairing), is also increasingly promoted on social media through narratives, whether it’s enemies-to-lovers or a slow-burn dynamic.
This inclination to formulate theories that clarify the arduous journey of falling for someone resembles older wisdom surrounding dating, like the advice found in Cosmopolitan magazine, Sex and the City, or Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. However, relational psychoanalyst Cynthia LaForte mentioned that there’s also a generational tendency to diagnose and clinicalize every interaction, often driven by misapplied therapeutic language prevalent on social media, which is distinctive to Gen Z and today’s dating landscape.
“We’ve pathologized personality,” LaForte stated. “There’s a prevalent narrative around ‘these are the individuals you should date’ and ‘these are those to break up with’, which leaves scant room for empathy.”
TikTok creator Lexie, @spicycokezero, has gained recognition for her viral videos titled “3 Ways To Tell When They’re Being Friendly vs. Being Interested In You” and “3 Signs You’re Engaging in a Friends-To-Lovers Dynamic.” The 19-year-old psychology major remarked that she does not consider herself an authority on these topics – but when she started sharing videos to express her classroom insights, many viewers connected with her material.
“I routinely encounter comments suggesting that viewers feel acknowledged or gain a deeper understanding of themselves or others after watching the video,” Lexie noted. “I’ve also received messages indicating that my videos motivated them to initiate dating, realized their feelings were reciprocated, or encouraged them to ask someone out, all of which I truly enjoy reading.”
Some dating criteria can undoubtedly be beneficial. Nicole, 22, who requested to use her first name for privacy, mentioned that the last promising guy she was interested in never progressed beyond the talking stage because of the leading point on her own ick list: “finds me intimidating.”
“As time passed, he made subtle remarks about how he felt afraid of me due to my intimidating nature and his nervousness,” she explained. It appeared to be an awkward attempt at flirtation – asking her to organize the date in a complimentary manner – yet Nicole was unimpressed. “I firmly stated: ‘There’s nothing intimidating about me. You feel intimidated because some part of you perceives me as better, stronger, or even more intelligent, and I won’t spend the time to make you feel equal to me.’”
“He had to go,” she declared.
When asked what type of relationship she desires, Nicole referred to various television shows and celebrities: George and Amal Clooney, Damon and Elena from The Vampire Diaries, and the infamous on-and-off romance of Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw, excluding the infidelity.
“To put it simply, I don’t want to be the dominant one in the relationship,” she clarified.
Regardless of age, human relationships are laden with emotional complexities, and Dream Man content provides a more comforting approach. However, this creates a dating environment akin to a panopticon, where virtues and flaws can be broadcasted, scrutinized, and exploited for engagement. There exists a significant appetite for the horror stories of others, particularly. Massive Facebook communities like Are We Dating The Same Guy? and apps like Tea have been specifically designed to unveil cheaters in real-time. Any act of misconduct can be publicized and circulated until daters gain notoriety on the internet as West Elm Caleb or the Couch Guy or the man featured in Reesa Teesa’s infamous 50-part “Who TF Did I Marry?” TikTok series. And online, it doesn’t matter if the offense was pathological lying or merely not appearing ecstatic enough when your partner entered the room – the processes of deliberation and condemnation remain identical.
“Social media terrifies me regarding dating,” Nicole expressed. “People are riding the wave of holding others accountable, which I fully support, and as a result, there’s an emphasis on highlighting the abusive aspects to raise awareness about them. Yet, it also overshadows the hopes of romantics.”
It’s not solely women constructing their ideal partner. There are numerous terms used to describe the ideal woman among creators producing dating content for men, whether it’s a high-value woman or a black cat girlfriend or someone they can annoy on purpose. The Cut recently surveyed 100 men and discovered that many were ending relationships based on their own icks: “because she was a fussy eater, she was overly enthusiastic about Burning Man, she disliked the book Nickel and Dimed, she erased his ex’s profile from his Nintendo Switch,” EJ Dickson reported.
LaForte affirmed that having dating guidelines, even if influenced by social media, can often serve as a grounding reminder of your true desires when situations become complex: “It can direct you, save your time, and help you maintain self-accountability.” However, on the flip side, treating dating as an analytical process of checking off boxes neglects its inherent humanity. “It can also be incredibly reductive, reducing individuals to mere lists.”
Veloso particularly feels that the digital realm inundates her with a plethora of content about how love should (or shouldn’t) be experienced, specifically regarding how a romantic partner should (or shouldn’t) demonstrate their enthusiasm. Therefore, she indulges in otome games like Love and Deepspace – romance video games where players take on the role of a female lead aiming to forge a connection with another male player.
“It’s a form of affection that seems safer than venturing out into the world and feeling uncertain about what kind of love you possess,” she reflected. “Having a partner who is wholly devoted to you and willing to protect your relationship with all their might is a goal for me. But then, there are all these stark realities about men [that bring] everything crashing down. This man can’t even articulate his own interests?”
For Veloso, it’s simply easier to keep it all in the realm of fiction.
