Welcome to Open Tab, our weekly compilation of news, gossip, and stories that have lingered in my tabs all week. Last week, we discussed allegations of cat killings along with other scandals at Horses.
In the past, when adventurers embarked on voyages to discover establish new territories, they packed their ships with hardtack, preserved meats, and legumes. They battled scurvy and illness, and their meals were far from luxurious. Modern space voyagers have it considerably better, even though the challenges of preserving food have become more complex. This week saw the commencement of the Artemis II mission. It marks the first manned mission to orbit the moon since 1972. Accompanying them are five unique hot sauces, tortillas, a suspiciously titled “vanilla breakfast drink,” and numerous other food items.
This week, we will also discuss the lawsuit (or absence of one) against David Protein, the implications of Sysco’s significant new purchase for restaurants, and Burlap & Barrel’s legal action against the Trump administration. But prior to that: It is important to note that Reese’s has pledged to reverting its recipe back to the original following significant public backlash—including in this very column. Do you believe this is a direct outcome of my targeted public complaints? Difficult to determine!
On the night of April 1, Artemis II took off from Florida. This launch followed extensive preparations, including detailed planning regarding the crew’s meal options. According to NASA, the crew had considerable input into the menu for the 10-day expedition. “Crew members sample, evaluate, and rate all foods on the standard menu during preflight testing, and their preferences are balanced with nutritional needs and what [the spacecraft] can accommodate,” as stated on the NASA website.
Aboard are five varieties of hot sauce, along with “spicy green beans,” “smoked beef brisket,” and something referred to as “pineapple drink.” In total, there are 189 distinct menu items, all crafted and packaged to be suitable for space travel. Best of luck to the astronauts, and may they relish their 58 tortillas, neither more nor less.
This acquisition is significant. Sysco, the largest supplier of food and various goods to restaurants and other food service entities in the U.S., has acquired Restaurant Depot, another giant supplier that primarily caters to independent eateries, for $29.1 billion. This represents more than just a merger—it’s a colossal conjoining of two restaurant suppliers that will likely face scrutiny regarding antitrust concerns.
In simple terms, if this agreement is finalized in 2027, it could have dire consequences for the small, independent restaurants we cherish. Specifically, the prices of their food will likely rise, squeezing their margins further or compelling them to pass those costs on to customers. Personally, I can’t bear a $55 roast chicken, and I want my cherished venues to remain open—should we all contact our representatives or something?
A few weeks back, a class action lawsuit was filed against David Protein—you know, the one behind the bars? And the cod?—alleging that we were all deceived by the company. The lawsuit claimed David egregiously misrepresented the calorie and fat values of each bar, which supposedly had 400% more fat and 80% more calories than disclosed.
The internet was buzzing, the indignation was escalating, and founder Peter Rahal took to X to address the rumors—which only fueled more curiosity. Apparently, Rahal was honest. This week, the class action was quietly dismissed without any clarification. Was there a covert settlement? Did both parties meet at a comfortable café for a heart-to-heart? It’s uncertain (but I prefer to think it’s the latter).
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