Utilizing dating applications to discover romance is quite routine now – yet, for numerous singles, it has turned into a mixed blessing. The advantages of having an endless array of prospective partners available with just a few taps are clear – however, the charm of engaging and meeting new individuals is transient. Feeling as though you’re trapped in the swiping phase can be particularly exasperating.
In 2023, American jeweler Shane Company discovered that the typical American will spend approximately eight months on dating apps – swiping through about 3,960 profiles – before finding a partner. Yet, for habitual daters, those figures might seem overly optimistic; in conversations with friends and co-workers, it’s not unusual to spend years “using the apps” without meaningful romantic achievements. The cycle of “download-delete-repeat” can be demoralizing and dating-app fatigue is rising; last year’s Online Nation report from Ofcom indicated a substantial drop in app usage, marked by a nearly 16% decline in engagement with the 10 leading dating applications. It’s no surprise that Meta recently announced the addition of an AI assistant to Facebook Dating, alongside Meet Cute, a new “surprise match” option aimed at helping users “overcome swipe fatigue”.
However, it doesn’t need to be this way. As per Pew Research Center, around 10% of heterosexual individuals and 24% of LGBTQ+ individuals find their long-term partner via a dating site or app – and some appear to achieve this without expending enormous amounts of time on unproductive swiping. Is it merely a case of fortuitous timing – or is there a hidden key to their success?
Liz, 28, from Nottingham, installed Bumble on a Wednesday and matched with her future husband the very same day. They had their first date on Friday and have been together for eight years since. Her recommendation for evading the app trap? Delete them.
“If you find someone you connect with, remove the apps and concentrate on that individual – you aren’t participating in a dating competition!” she says. “After our first date, I realized I was truly interested in him, and I thought: ‘I need to focus on one person at a time.’ The apps can always be revisited later if things don’t work out.”
She also noticed that not everyone she had swiped right on – to show interest – would check the app on a daily basis: “Consequently, you experience this delayed feedback with matches. I found the incessant notifications on my phone quite distracting – too many individuals, too many conversations.”
While it can be alluring to keep options available, conversing with multiple matches is typically seen as acceptable in the initial phases of dating. Nevertheless, Liz and her partner removed Bumble within a week of meeting and realized that emphasizing one individual was a more effective method for getting acquainted.
Another approach to circumvent the so-called paradox of choice is to deliberately limit your dating selection. Joseph, 42, from Liverpool, promotes discovering your niche: he met his partner after just a few months of using the vegan and vegetarian dating app Grazer. They became engaged 10 months later and have been married for six years now, additionally sharing two (vegan) children together.
“It excluded what I knew I didn’t desire,” he states. “It was mainly about understanding that everyone was on the same page; that alleviated a lot of stress. No awkward talks about being vegan, and no challenging disputes five years down the line regarding how we would raise our children regarding veganism. Grazer didn’t have many users, particularly in Liverpool, as it was quite new, but it prioritized quality over quantity.”
Being clear about your objectives is vital, asserts couples therapist and dating coach Shan Merchant, “whether that’s someone who enjoys exercise, loves nature, or appreciates creativity.” Her advice is to utilize a mainstream app that boasts a large user base, “and also opt for a more specialized app, so you’re not narrowing your focus overly much.”
Unquestionably, a good method to connect with someone whose passions and principles match yours is to be completely straightforward when crafting your profile, regardless of the app you select.
“My tactic was to almost dissuade people, ensuring that I would only meet individuals who were genuinely keen,” says Hannah, 39, from Leeds, who has been with her partner for seven years. She was on Bumble for about a month prior to their meeting, having gone on dates with only two other individuals from the app.
“I had a strategy involving my photos,” Hannah explains. “I aimed for them to authentically represent me in real life. My first image was one where I had my hair styled and makeup done, thinking I looked great, but my second image was a more casual one in the garden, no makeup. Many men tend to showcase only their sports photos – I don’t have anything against sports, but one might wonder if that’s all they enjoy? A lack of diverse photos was definitely a reason I swiped past people – you want to see what the entirety of their life entails.”
While numerous individuals I spoke with cited their serious approach to dating as the crucial factor behind their success on apps, Hannah believes it was almost the converse for her. Having recently returned to northern England after a decade in London, she primarily sought to make new connections and discover the area.
“I think this mindset significantly influenced my experience – I wasn’t setting off with a list of requirements,” she reflects. “It aided me in meeting someone wonderful.” Additionally, it’s essential, she notes, “to strive to set aside biases and remain open about who you encounter.”
While various theories about how to “manifest” the ideal partner have gained popularity in recent years, Merchant proposes there are more practical ways in which your perspective can influence your search for love.
“Maintain a positive mindset and limit app usage to when you’re feeling upbeat – if you’re feeling fatigued, stressed, or unwell, I would advise against using a dating app as that will skew your perception of others,” she states. “Many individuals find it challenging to maintain a positive outlook while dating – but I believe that’s the most significant factor in achieving success on dating apps.”
For Nicholas, 69, from Chichester, the pandemic prompted him to take a more proactive stance on dating – something he feels was crucial to his positive journey. He connected with his partner within a week of registering on the now-closed Guardian Soulmates; they have been together for over five years and have cohabitated since February 2022.
“I felt hesitant yet realized I had to take the plunge,” he reflects. “Engage in a conversation with yourself about whether you truly want to pursue this or simply desire an excuse for why it hasn’t occurred. Illustrate why you would make a great partner. Be ready to step outside your comfort zone. If you’ve established a profile, you must be active in engaging with others.”
Even though not every interaction goes smoothly, “you gain experience in understanding how the dynamics function,” Nicholas mentions. He recommends Romeo, also known as PlanetRomeo, as an excellent option for LGBTQ+ individuals seeking relationships rather than casual encounters.
Liz also observes how, for some individuals, dating apps can become part of the issue rather than a solution. “I care deeply for my friends, but I’ve seen them on the apps saying: ‘I’ve truly enjoyed accumulating all these Likes, but I have no intention of reaching out to a single one.’ There’s a perception that, because the other individual is merely a digital image on a screen, their sentiments don’t hold importance.” If you’re genuinely eager to connect with someone, her counsel is to keep in mind that profiles represent real people: “Don’t mislead, ghost, or leave anyone waiting.”
Tinder may have acquired a notably poor reputation for such behaviors in recent years, but Dan, 45, from the Netherlands, connected with his now-wife about two weeks after downloading the app. They have been a couple for a decade and share a son. For him, the secret lay in ensuring he stood out.
“I often hear people say I seem incredibly dull from a distance,” he admits. “To put it mildly, I’m unlikely to captivate anyone with my looks or extravagant style. I’m not wealthy or powerful either. The benefit of dating apps was that they enabled me to initiate conversations right away, which highlights my strengths.” When reaching out to someone, he consistently tried to pose a question or make a humorous comment about their profile to indicate that he had engaged with it. “It didn’t always succeed, but occasionally it did.”
During dates, Dan was equally eager to create a memorable impression, bringing along small, considerate gifts to serve as ice-breakers. “On my first date with my wife, I presented her with a gift-wrapped bar of mint chocolate, after she had mentioned she disliked that flavor,” he recalls. “Just after unwrapping it, while she was clearly contemplating whether to be offended or feign gratitude, I slyly handed her another chocolate bar – this time, her favorite flavor.” This again showcased that he had been attentive.
“Don’t shy away from rejection,” he suggests. “I faced rejection for wearing attire that wasn’t trendy enough, which was a wise decision on that woman’s part: if that’s important, I’m not your match. I was also rejected for ordering a non-alcoholic beverage on another first date. Once more, a good call: I wouldn’t be the drinking buddy she envisioned. And I’m sure I’ve been turned down numerous times by women with a different style of humor than mine – for which I’m grateful, because it gave me the opportunity to keep searching until I found someone who, after 10 years, still laughs at my dad jokes.”
The dread of rejection can undeniably play a significant role in why many singles engage with dating apps sporadically and with caution – a behavior that often extends their search. “Many individuals aren’t prepared for rejection,” asserts Merchant, “and while using a dating app, you experience rejection frequently, but you also end up rejecting many.” People take rejection to heart, she continues, and eventually give up. “It saddens me when people do that because I know that if they maintain a positive attitude, ultimately, everyone will find someone – that’s what I observe.”
As is often the case, the key to success on dating apps may involve a element of chance. “I genuinely believe that luck plays a substantial role,” states Merchant. “Surround yourself with individuals who speak positively about dating – people tend to become quite cynical, but it’s vital not to immerse yourself in that negativity. If you sense burnout, step away from the apps and return when you feel recharged.”
Even those who seem to have been swiftly struck by Cupid’s arrow acknowledge that taking a break can be advantageous. “You can fall into a routine of viewing the same faces,” Joseph notes. “Stepping back for a few months allows you to encounter fresh individuals and determine what you truly desire, rather than pursuing something merely for pursuit’s sake.
