The case against: Priscilla
I dislike being referred to as Prissy – that was a name my cousins used when I was younger, and it upset me
My close friend, Chioma, and I are both writers. Our friendship spans seven years: I reached out to her via Twitter, and our conversations blossomed. Since then, we frequently collaborate and share meals.
The catch is, Chioma has perpetually called me “Pris” or even “P.” I endured it because of my affection for her, but I recently brought up that I actually prefer to be addressed as my complete name, Priscilla.
I’m certain I’ve communicated this to Chioma multiple times over the years, yet it seems to escape her notice. I became particularly frustrated lately when Chioma and her new acquaintance Mary, whom I hardly know, began calling me “Prissy.” It bothers me deeply – my cousins used that name when I was a child, and it would distress me. When I expressed my dislike for the nicknames, Chioma appeared surprised and said she was unaware.
She mentioned that a nickname stems from affection, and that her shortening my name was meant kindly. I replied that it’s acceptable for others, but I prefer my full name. It also felt like she wasn’t truly considering my preference and was trying to justify her choice in front of Mary.
There’s also the issue of white individuals shortening the names of people of color due to a lack of effort to pronounce them correctly. That’s not the situation with me and Chioma since we are both black, but when Mary – who is white – began doing it, it indeed gave off that impression. I believe neither Chioma nor Mary intended any harm, but intent doesn’t always mitigate impact.
I also feel Chioma may not completely understand because everyone always refers to her by her full name.
There’s a nuanced power dynamic in determining what someone should be called, even within friendships. Everyone deserves to be called by their full name, and when someone addresses you in a way that doesn’t resonate, at best it can be triggering, and at worst it can be perceived as a microaggression.
The case for: Chioma
The nickname arose from affection. It pains me that she’s portraying it as if I’ve disrespected her
I truly didn’t realize Priscilla felt so strongly about her nickname. I’ve been calling her “P” or “Pris” for years because it felt organic. We know each other’s families and spend considerable time together, so it didn’t cross my mind. Her nickname originated from love. It felt like a bond shared between us, as most nicknames among friends do.
I thought it was endearing and expressed our closeness. But when she mentioned in front of Mary that she disliked her nicknames, I was startled – what’s going on? I was surprised, not due to a lack of respect for her feelings, but because I genuinely believed she understood my intentions were good. I wasn’t ridiculing her. “Prissy” was just something Mary and I said in a light-hearted manner. It never occurred to me she might view it as offensive.
She expressed that it makes her feel like a child being scolded, as that’s what her family called her when she misbehaved. I took that into consideration, but I know she feels I dismissed her by stating that my use of nicknames is out of love.
Nicknames represent closeness. For years, our friendship has been effortless and comfortable. We rarely argue and share numerous interests. I wouldn’t want her to feel I am disregarding her wishes by calling her something she despises, but she is literally saved in my contacts as “Pris.” I’ve addressed her as such since our initial meeting. I never meant to humiliate her in front of Mary.
However, I do feel hurt that she’s claiming I’ve been disrespecting her for all these years. I also think she should have brought it up sooner, as “P” or “Pris” is how she has always been identified to me. I was completely unaware she disliked it. I also don’t recall her ever mentioning this previously, despite her insistence otherwise.
To me, nicknames symbolize that we are very close and comfortable with each other. Full names can sometimes seem formal. I believe it might be challenging to retrain my mindset, but I’m willing to try.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Chioma start using Priscilla’s full name?
I stand with Priscilla on this; enforcing a nickname isn’t indicative of closeness, but rather a disregard for your friend’s preferences. Chioma states: “I believe it may be difficult to retrain my brain” to refer to her by her complete name. Referring to her as Priscilla in your contacts might assist.
Andrea, 58
Claiming this is “triggering” and a “racist microaggression” is excessive. Yes, tell Chioma to refrain from calling you an irritating nickname, but transforming it into something more profound is a manner of intentionally creating conflict where there once existed friendly affection.
Frank, 39
Priscilla has the right to be addressed by her chosen name. Chioma may not have meant to upset her, but that was the result. Claiming it was from love and that Priscilla should have voiced her concerns sooner are attempts to deflect responsibility for an act that caused harm.
Rachel, 53
Chioma was showing her fondness for and closeness with Priscilla and clearly did not mean to ridicule or demean her. Priscilla should concentrate on the affection Chioma clearly has for her and lighten up. On this occasion, she is indeed being a bit prissy.
Daral, 27
A nickname might be perceived as a friendly shortening, but its usage must be consensual. Priscilla tolerated this for a certain period, but has now made her sentiments clear and this should be honored. Continuing to use her nickname is an unreasonable behavior.
Gareth, 60
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, share your thoughts: should Chioma cease using the nicknames?
The poll closes on Wednesday 12 November at 9am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked if Axel should don the attire his girlfriend purchases for him
4% of you responded yes – Axel is culpable
96% of you responded no – Axel is not guilty
