The prosecution: Bella
When Axel doesn’t wear gifts I’ve given him, it hurts. Gifting is my method of expressing care.
I truly love purchasing items for my boyfriend, Axel. It’s an expression of affection; I feel thrilled every time I find something that makes me think of him. I particularly enjoy buying him clothing – I believe it provides him with a bit of confidence boost. While I already appreciate his fashion sense, this is just another way for me to show I care.
Since I earn more than he does, buying him gifts isn’t a significant burden. I’m aware that not everyone shares love through gifts, yet if it’s within my means, why hold back? However, when he chooses not to wear something I’ve given him, especially after I’ve put thought into it, I get hurt.
This summer, I got him a pair of jeans. I noticed he wasn’t wearing them, so I asked if he liked them. The following day, he came downstairs in them, saying: “Hey, I’ve got your jeans on!” That made me feel foolish.
It felt like he was only wearing them because I inquired. One part of me felt pleased, while another part thought he was just trying to appease me. I don’t require him to wear every gift right away or to show gratitude, but when a few weeks pass and I never see him in my gifts, I begin to question if he ever liked them.
I want him to present his best self – so yes, I do have views on what looks good on him. Once, I even attempted to dispose of his Crocs. I despise them. Axel became quite irritated. Perhaps I overstepped a boundary. He claimed I was trying to eliminate his individuality, but that wasn’t my intent. I merely wanted him to realize what I see: he could appear incredible with a slight enhancement to his wardrobe.
Axel possesses an excellent style when he chooses to showcase it, and I get frustrated when he defaults to the same few pieces out of routine. I suspect it’s because he doesn’t take as much interest in fashion as I do and lacks the funds to improve his wardrobe.
Though, from my perspective, at times it isn’t purely about the clothing; it’s about wanting to feel that my gestures are valued. I appreciate Axel’s independence and determination; it’s a part of his charm. Still, I also wish he’d recognize that when I purchase for him, I’m simply attempting to connect.
The defence: Axel
I’ve been single for so long that I’m not accustomed to receiving gifts, and I dislike being told how to behave.
I believe Bella’s tendency to buy me gifts and then become upset when I don’t wear them is unhealthy. No one should feel compelled to utilize a present whenever the giver wishes. This diminishes the essence of a gift, which should be selfless.
Regarding the jeans, I simply hadn’t gotten around to wearing them because it was excessively hot this summer. Yet when she asked whether I liked them, I decided to wear them the very next day.
Bella then accused me of donning them solely to satisfy her, which was somewhat accurate. However, my perspective is: don’t request me to wear something you’ve purchased and then claim I don’t genuinely desire to wear it. None of this is logical.
I should have the autonomy to choose when to put on my clothes. Bella is quite kind when she buys me things, but I don’t want to feel under pressure. She criticized me for being ungrateful when I brought this up, but that’s not the crux of the issue.
Bella also earns significantly more than I do, making it easy for her to splurge on new items. In contrast, I don’t possess many clothes, and I’ve grown accustomed to wearing the same regular outfits. It takes me some time to adjust to integrating new pieces into my wardrobe.
Since this is my first relationship, I’m not used to anyone buying me gifts. There’s likely also a bit of stubbornness within me. When Bella attempted to dispose of my Crocs, I didn’t take it well.
I genuinely like the jeans she purchased for me, but if she has a good suggestion, my first reaction is to resist it, simply because I’ve been single for an extended period and dislike being directed. Bella has highlighted this tendency in me, and I realize I need to address it.
However, another aspect of me questions whether Bella is buying me things in an effort to alter me. Or perhaps she disapproves of my style.
Moreover, I firmly believe that regarding gifts: the giver shouldn’t dictate how or when the recipient utilizes their present.
The jury of Guardian readers
Who is feeling irritable?
Bella appears to be generous; however, she’s selecting gifts for Axel that she thinks he should desire rather than what he might truly value. Receiving presents becomes taxing when there are associated expectations. Perhaps allocating the funds towards enjoyable activities together would foster more of the connection Bella seeks?
Kirsty, 41
Axel does seem appreciative and reflects on his reactions, and while Crocs should ideally be reserved for beach outings or gardening, if there is an ulterior motive behind any gift, it undermines the gesture. Ultimately, recipients should be free to appreciate gifts on their terms.
Jack, 24
Encouraging your partner to eliminate their Crocs is one thing, but imposing a complete wardrobe overhaul crosses a line. It would have been nice if Axel had acknowledged the gift spontaneously, but that is solely his choice. Both individuals must cultivate healthy habits surrounding the giving and receiving of gifts.
Sebastian, 28
Bella is treating Axel as if he’s a toy doll. He has clearly expressed his feelings, which should be honored. Can she discover alternative methods of treating him that acknowledge his tastes? Perhaps concert tickets or a weekend getaway?
Judith, 78
Axel ought to show greater gratitude for the gifts he gets. Bella’s intentions may not be entirely selfless, but whose are? She offers him beautiful clothing, and the least he could do is wear them.
Jenny, 46
Now you form your own judgement
In our online survey, tell us: does Axel need to update his wardrobe?
The survey closes on Wednesday 5 November at 9am GMT
Results from last week
We inquired if Mara should purchase new dishware and utensils
24% of you responded yes – Mara is to blame
76% of you responded no – Mara is not to blame
