For years, I had resigned myself to the notion that sleep, much like the Rubik’s cube and thinning hair, was something I would never master. Regardless of how diligently I attempted to quiet my mind with an array of medications, intricate mental exercises, and pricey herbal teas, nothing seemed effective. Indeed, many of these so-called “remedies” only exacerbated my insomnia. On those rare instances when I did start to doze off, a wave of relief and thrill would swiftly engulf me, leaving me wide awake and even more frustrated. The more I pressured myself, the more elusive sleep became.
One evening, as I lay in bed attempting to implement a technique derived from the SAS to fall asleep rapidly by relaxing each part of my body, beginning with my facial muscles and practicing slow, deep breathing, I finally reached a breaking point. It was evident that sleep simply wasn’t something I was meant to achieve. I had read all the literature, conducted all the research, and yet nothing ever changed. If my mind stubbornly resisted any effort to power down, why squander so many hours trying?
The dilemma, of course, was what to occupy myself with while lying awake in bed. I decided that the ideal antidote to the dazed, half-asleep state I found myself in was a true crime podcast. I craved an endless narration for my brain to absorb without effort.
Before this, I had never truly grasped the allure of podcasts, as they seemed like activities one indulged in while engaging in something terribly dull. But before I realized, I was absorbing every detail about the surge of cults on college campuses during the 2010s.
It was only the following morning that I recognized I had become so wrapped up in my American horror story that I had dozed off without even realizing it. After exhausting every option, it appeared the one thing I hadn’t tried was giving up entirely, and somehow that had worked.
Now, every night, I discover a new gruesome distraction, and each night I find myself slipping into slumber. For far too many of us, the act of falling asleep has turned into an endeavor akin to studying for a test, securing employment, or honing a skill, when in truth it is the exact opposite; the less effort you invest and the fewer thoughts you give it, the sooner you succumb to sleep.
Most individuals battling insomnia aim to attain a relaxed, serene, and Zen-like state that permits sleep. They certainly don’t think about chainsaw-wielding serial killers and tales of home invasions gone awry. Yet, as grim as it may appear, true crime seems to be far more effective for me than counting sheep could ever be. Instead of fixating on trying to slow down, perhaps what is truly soothing is simply to stop caring so intensely.
