My brother and sister-in-law welcomed a new baby a few months ago. My sister-in-law prohibits anyone from holding the baby, however the grandparents on both sides have had brief opportunities to hold her. At family gatherings, as soon as the baby lets out even the faintest cry, her mother swiftly takes her to a room as distant from others as possible. Usually, they leave soon afterward.
No one addresses this with her, to avoid conflict and to respect the “new mom” role, but restricting the baby to her parents only appears to create issues down the line. It is already challenging for everyone else, including my brother. The instinct is to engage with a tiny baby. This phase is so brief. Already, others feel excluded – it seems there’s a sense of ownership and that we are all relegated. In photos too, she holds the baby turned away from everyone else. It comes off as excessive. Is it? How can I offer support without encouraging that excessiveness (if it exists)?
Eleanor responds: There could be numerous reasons for her choice. It may relate to health concerns. Many parents restrict visitors or cuddling in the initial months; often, it just takes one relative forgetting they have a cold or a cold sore. It might be about sensory overload. Perhaps she wishes to avoid the potential chaos of the baby becoming overwhelmed by numerous faces, sounds, and scents. It could stem from anxiety; perhaps all-day parenting, books, and her postpartum thoughts remind her of all the possible misfortunes. There may be medical or emotional factors we are unaware of. It could simply be her personal choice. This choice might be entirely neurotic or fully rational.
What we know unequivocally is that this is the decision she (and your brother) have chosen.
You might lament, “I wish she wouldn’t act this way when it deprives the rest of us of something so wonderful.” She may think, “I wish people wouldn’t pressure me to do what’s desirable for them when it means compromising my or my child’s comfort.”
Whose responsibility is it to adjust to the other? The logical answer: it should center on what’s best for the baby.
You mention potential problems for the child in the future if nothing shifts. Perhaps so. Or perhaps not. I can’t say. Maybe she’ll create a complex for the child by holding her too tightly. Or perhaps a sick relative will think, “oh, it’s no big deal” and kiss the baby. It’s possible she has an overly anxious hold on the baby and might be a better parent if she eases up. Or she could be trying to impart to herself and her child that family expectations don’t always have to be met. I truly don’t know who’s in the right, as we lack the complete context.
However, our response to a parent’s choices isn’t solely about who’s right. Numerous ways exist in which a child could benefit if their parents approached things differently. Less screen time, reduced indulgence, more visits to this side of the family, different teaching approaches. Many of us view parenting choices we believe will lead to issues, and sometimes we misjudge. It’s crucial to remember, it’s not our child.
She may be mistaken about what is best for the baby. Yet parents are permitted to make errors. Especially in the early months, they are allowed to err on the side of caution.
If she does evolve into an anxious parent in ways you perceive as extreme, it’s essential to remember the difference between the emotional truths it would benefit someone to recognize and the emotional truths we should point out. There will be healthcare professionals and daycare providers in this child’s life, experts in child-rearing who can assist in mitigating any challenges. What may she and her child require that can solely come from your family’s side?
What I truly perceive is you feeling hurt from being so excluded and regarded as a threat. Perhaps the focus should shift to enhancing your relationship with her, rather than who gets to hold the baby. What’s transpiring between you that makes you desire more involvement than she is willing to allow? If you conclude it’s because “she’s overly anxious”, she’s likely sensed that opinion from you. Anxiety does not react favorably to being told it’s wrong; it responds better to feeling safe. Strengthening your relationship may be as uncomplicated as trying to uncover what she most desires at this moment and striving to provide that, instead of offering help in ways you think are appropriate.
This letter has undergone editing
