My siblings are quite upset with our parents. They claim that our upbringing was dreadful because our dad was often absent and our mom would pit us against one another to maintain authority. There was a significant amount of conflict.
Yet, this is merely part of the narrative. I believe my parents cared for us deeply and attempted to provide us with a joyful upbringing. We were always given homemade meals and engaging stories. These days, my parents are making efforts to reconcile, but my brother and sister simply don’t perceive it. They are overly critical, and to be frank, I think they exhibit some ingratitude. I’m feeling stuck in the middle. What should I do?
Eleanor states: Doesn’t one of us have to be incorrect? is often the sentiment echoed from both sides in a familial conflict like this, in my view. One person asserts “this was absolutely unacceptable,” while the other counters “it was not”; we realize that both can’t be right, rendering the disagreement an implication that we are the one misinterpreting events.
Occasionally, when attempting to navigate that deadlock with others, they’ll resort to the notion that “family matters are purely subjective”. That’s acceptable, but it leads to limited progress. The core issue lies in you and your siblings each believing you’re conveying the genuine truth, the undeniable truth. This was or wasn’t appropriate parenting, analogous to whether it rained yesterday or not. The details of your upbringing are crucial, thereby making inaccuracies significant too.
A useful approach to shift that deadlock is to inquire whether your disagreement pertains to the actual events or rather to the moral valuation of those events.
For example, do you believe that parents should be evaluated on their intentions or their actions? Are we discussing the level of challenge or actual outcomes? Yes, they said something terrible, but how many jobs were they juggling? What kind of support did they receive, how challenging was life for them, and what mental struggles did they carry from their own upbringing?
Another significant divide is whether we concentrate on who parents are now versus who they were back then. Some look back at a memory from two decades ago and view it as a distant, faded moment, similar to an interaction with an old acquaintance. Others perceive it vividly, as if the pain is fresh.
A major division exists about how much of a right one feels they have to assess their parents. For some, it’s about recognizing significant patterns and issues. For others, it feels magnanimous or overly judgmental.
Such overarching disagreements could be why the conflict seems so unresolvable. Your siblings might argue, “Don’t you understand, they harmed us significantly.” You counter, “Don’t you realize, they were trying.” Both parties are speaking truths, yet neither feels acknowledged; mechanisms are in motion but not converging.
You inquired about your options. One risk here is becoming a pawn in their disputes again, whether intentionally or inadvertently. To prevent stepping into the role of a mediator or arbitrator, you may want to adopt phrases to reiterate to either side like a stuck record.
To your siblings; a phrase that conveys “I don’t agree with you” without declaring “your memories are incorrect.” Perhaps something along the lines of, “I’m not asking you to forgive them, I’m merely asking you to accept that I have a different perspective.”
And to your parents, something indicating that you will not convey messages or interject in disputes, such as: “I care about you, I don’t wish to act as a judge.” If your responses to these topics consist solely of those phrases, you might create enough of a barrier that they cease trying to engage you in the conflict.
The reality of any family is so extensive and intertwined that it’s quite challenging for one person to grasp it all simultaneously – if at all. You and your siblings could each be presenting valid truths regarding the aspects you are contemplating. If you seek to uphold a connection with everyone involved, the key might be not contesting the occurrences but affirming your right to assess them differently.
