My significant other has consistently been stimulated by homosexual sexual activities and truly can only engage in sexual intercourse with this motivation. He was upfront about this from the beginning. I’m quite liberal-minded and accepted many scenarios that excited him. He claims it’s merely a kink and asserts he’s not gay.
However, as of now whenever we have intimacy it’s inevitably centered around the fantasy of him with another man. He rarely views me with desire aside from complimenting my looks. I can wander around unclothed and he remains unresponsive. He perceives me as a femdom, which I believe indicates he prefers to be made to “come out.” He’s truthful, caring toward me, and we communicate exceptionally well. I just feel somewhat unwanted as a woman and fear that one day he may conclude he is truly gay.
What action should I take? He insists he only wants to be with me and will forever love me, claiming he will never betray me, and I entirely have faith in him. I hesitate to bring it up as I don’t want to cause him discomfort, as my desire is for him to feel secure and cherished. Should I cease worrying about my own insecurities?
Various couples enter into different agreements with each other – some are articulated, others are implied. In your relationship, it seems you initially found balance; both of you derived benefits from the mutual arrangement. Beyond feeling content in your daily lives, you were able to tap into your sexual creativity to please him, and perhaps he found relief in avoiding confronting elements of his sexual orientation that were distressing to him.
As long as you believed this covenant was equitable, you were satisfied with it, but now the equilibrium has shifted and you yearn to feel genuinely desired. You will need to reflect seriously on whether the advantages of being with him surpass the challenges.
What is crucial is to refrain from minimizing your emotions as your “own insecurities.” A woman can sense when she is undesired, and it can be quite hurtful. You are nurturing and considerate of his feelings, but your own emotions are powerful and authentic and should be acknowledged by both of you.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist based in the US who focuses on treating sexual dysfunctions.
